Many a night, I cried myself to sleep.
Remembering the days I was bullied and beat.
I can see it so clearly, being thrown from wall to wall.
Trying to pick myself up after the fall.
Seeing the fist as it strikes my face.
Bruises and blood being the only trace.
I still hear the threats going through my head.
At times wishing I were dead.
Alone and frightened, nowhere to go and no one to talk to.
Staying behind closed doors, ashamed, embarrassed, and not wanting anyone to know what I am going through.
Now here I am, resilient, strong, and continuing on.
A voice for you, for me, and all those who are or were someone’s pawn.
I was never the typical little girl. I was rough and tough, sweet and lovable, curious and adventurous, quiet and shy. I was opinionated and outspoken; I was stubborn and hard-headed. I was who I needed to be in whatever situation I found myself in. See, I learned at a very young age that there is a “certain” way to act… a particular way to be.
It didn’t matter who I was as a person; what mattered was that I acted appropriately, was socially acceptable, and didn’t embarrass or humiliate anyone. Because of this, I became very anxious, insecure, and very uncertain of life and my place in it. I felt misunderstood and out of sync with the rest of the world. If something ever went wrong in a relationship, a job, a friendship, I always blamed myself. I would try harder and harder to do things to be accepted by them, to get their approval. I couldn’t understand why I was the way I was; I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be like everyone else.
For years I struggled with this. I struggled with finding approval and acceptance for who I was. After years of being bullied, shamed, teased, manipulated, and used, I started to accept that I wasn’t good enough; after many years of trying to express myself, to be me, I realized that no one would ever love me.
So what happens to a little girl who sits alone on the curb in her overalls eating a fudge bar, dreaming her dreams?
Her dreams of writing? Dreams of writing about things that affect people’s lives, writing something that would touch hearts and minds. Her dreams of glamour, romance, love, children, jobs, a house, and her dreams of happily ever after. A dream of a home filled with happiness, laughter, and children playing. A dream of being with someone who would cherish her, love her, romance her, someone whom she could trust with her life, someone who would love her, play with her, be faithful and loyal.
Well, for many years, she holds onto those dreams. Then when nothing changes, and she believes that nobody could ever love a girl like her, she gives up on her dreams, all of them. She becomes what society wants her to be, quiet, unopinionated, doesn’t make waves, makes everyone happy, settles down, and has kids. While she becomes socially acceptable and appears happy to the outside world, she is miserable on the inside. She settles into a lifestyle that she feels is acceptable to all around her. She lives an everyday life; she says and does everything she is supposed to. Her life to the outside world appears perfect; married, kids, homeowner, good job, and surrounded by lots of people, no one can see the pain, the daily turmoil. She likes it this way. She likes that her lifestyle is accepted; she likes being the envy of people. She enjoys hearing people comment on how they would love to be just like her, have her lifestyle.
There was a sense of acceptance; whether based on reality or appearance didn’t matter; she just liked feeling accepted.
What happens when she realizes she is living a lie? What happens when she comes to the realization that the people in her life are using her, manipulating her, controlling her. When does she make the choice to walk away from a life of pretending to a life of reality? When the pain is so deep and all the memories come back, all the feelings return, the demon voices in her head reminding her that she is the same person no one could love or want.
She never learned to love herself, respect herself, and set healthy boundaries. Therefore, the pattern continues.
Unhealthy relationships can cause a lifetime of pain, anxiety, depression, disorders, and failed relationships. Let my pain, experiences, mistakes, and struggles help you on your journey to find your inner strength and voice. To help you connect with your children and understand what they are going through and how they are feeling.
Let me guide you in talking with your children about self-love, respect, boundaries, and the different types of relationships.
If you do not know how to start, let me help you.
I have worksheets available to assist you in this process. These worksheets are easy to use and an easy way to start connecting and having meaningful conversations with your children.